You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
