I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Someone came in the potted fern
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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