He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Pooping to opera.
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