Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
