I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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