Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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