I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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