Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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