The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
