I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
