and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
