I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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