then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
