either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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