More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
