Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
