He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
