Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
