I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
