Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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