overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
