I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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