so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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