I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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