Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
