Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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