just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
