will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
my liver is dry heaving
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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