I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
