I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
