Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
