do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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