I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
