We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
