Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
