I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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