I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
