May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
