his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
