I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
