You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
