Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
