Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
