I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
