I'm lost and stupid without you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
