Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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