No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
