He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
