Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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