woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He did a backflip because drugs
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
